95 Of The Most Funny And Weird Things That Kids Have Ever Said, Shared In This Online Group

95 Of The Most Funny And Weird Things That Kids Have Ever Said, Shared In This Online Group

Adults often underestimate how smart, receptive and understanding kids are. These little philosophers surprise us now and again with their unique view of the world. It’s them who are curious, blunt and sharp-tongued, and they often say things just how they are.

It turns out there’s a whole corner of Reddit named “Things My Kid Said” dedicated to precisely that. With 56.3k members, it is a place to share the weirdest, goofiest, cutest and wittiest things our kiddos have said, and it’s nothing else but pure gold. Below we wrapped up some of the best posts from the subreddit, so grab yourself some coffee and enjoy!

And when you’re done reading this one, be sure to check out our previous posts with the funniest and weirdest things little daredevils have said here and here.


While enjoying a sweet bedtime moment, reading to my little almost 5 year old boy, he reached over and put his hand on my face. It warmed my heart. He pet my cheek softly and said to me “mom, your chin looks like a butt”.

Image credits: fractiouscatburglar


3 year old. Send burn cream

I wrote on the white board, "Do you want a sandwhich for lunch?"

He reads it a couple of times and I ask him if he could answer the question.

Then he asks, " Do you know how to spell?"

Image credits: akifyre24


Yelled to me by my 3yo in the next room; “Jeeze, I have a bug bite... a BIG bite! A really big...oh...it’s just my nipple. It’s okay. Just my nipple, not a bug bite.”


Busy day ahead of us…
My 4 yo daughter woke up this morning and said she has sooo much work to do today. I asked her what kind of work she had to do. She said she had to eat all her cookies she baked yesterday and pet the cats.


Daughter (about 4) and I were playing in the garden..
..we're playing around with dirt and leaves, and she tells me "Hey you're my boss and I'm the worker, okay?" "Ok good idea." "Phew, just moved more of those leaves for you boss." "Ah good job um, 'worker'!" She stops and looks at me like I'm utterly stupid "Mum, don't be ridiculous. My name's Kenneth."


My two year old: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, ...11” me: “what happened to 10?” him: “no more ten. Bye bye ten. Ten go nap”


Me, singing to 6-month-old as I change him for the day: “Who’s got big fat thighs and a big fat belly?” 3-year-old, from his room: “You do, mom!”


Daughter asked how her brother was going to get out of my belly.....then chastised me.
She says “Mama how is the baby going to get out of your belly?”

Me: I push him out.

Her: GASPS MOMMY! It’s not nice to push anyone! He’s just a BABY!!”

I literally had to start writing these down!


Showing pregnancy photos with my 4 year old
Son: Mama, was I in your belly?

Me: Yes, you were in my belly!

Son: How did I get in there?

Me: (contemplating on what is appropriate to say....)

Son: Did you eat me mama?? You're not supposed to eat people!


My heart...
5yo: Who is taking me to school today, you or Mummy?

Dad: Me today

5yo: Ohhhh, I wanted it to be Mummy

Dad: Why Mummy and not me?

5yo: Because Mummy looks so beautiful today, I want all the people in the street to see her and tell her she's beautiful


Too many pens!!
Me: Please clean up all these pens on the floor.

3yo: But there's too many to do without Jonah's (5yo brother) help!

Me: How many pens are there? Can you bring them here so we can count them and see if it's too many?

3yo: *picks up every pen off the ground and brings them too me.

3yo: See, it's too many!!

Me: Oh yeah, so many! Better put them in the pen box!

Gotta love kid logic!!


"Chilly is the most tricky word because it means cold when it's weather but hot when it's food" - my 5yo


My son (3M) saw my stretchmarks on my belly and said "You have so many gills to breathe so good under water!!"
He has been super into Sharkboy and Lavagirl lately. His excitement about my stretchmarks really made me chuckle. At least one of us is excited, bud.


Gender conversation with my sons.
5yr old: am I a boy or a girl?

Me: what do you want to be?

5yr old: a boy

Me: cool, you are a boy.

3yr old: I want to be chocolate.

Me: fine choice my friend. You are chocolate with some unfortunate cannibalistic tendencies.


Safety first
Today 4 yo daughter wanted pigtails in her hair but when she wanted to ride her bike her helmet would not fit over them. She ran up to me and said "You have to take my pigtails out.". I said "aww, but they are so cute." And she answered "Mommy it is more important to be safe than cute!"


My two year old pointed at the stair gate and said to my wife "Say gate mummy" "...gate." "Well done, good girl." If I didn't know better I'd say she was being sarcastic about how were working to help develop her language skills.


"Mum, when I die and come back in another life I want you to be my Mum again"
At 4 years old my son started to realize what death was and would get upset at the thought of me dying so I explained my beliefs on reincarnation (I've also explained when he grows up he'll make his own choices on what he believes), now at 5 years old he said this to me. My heart melted on the spot.


My 9 year old had an epiphany
Last year we got a puppy. We have 3 kids who were 6,7 and 9. Before getting the puppy we explained they will be responsible for most of his upkeep (within reason of course!) After 2 months of potty training and taking care of the puppy my 9 year old comes to me crying. He says "I don't know if this will make sense to you, but I'm burnt out. He always follows me everywhere, even the bathroom! I can't get a minute to myself! Then he doesn't listen and he has to be watched every minute! I'm exhausted!" It was all I could do to keep a straight face.


Can't deny my child's first word anymore.
She's only 7 months so I thought it was a bit early. But she's said it multiple times, across multiple days, with clear intent and meaning.

It's boob

Hubby even asked this evening "Did that child just say boob?" Well yes she did.


My five year old learned about having crushes on people
This morning I am half awake, barely managing to make my coffee. As I'm standing there holding my cup, savoring my first sip in what I thought was silence while everyone slept, I hear a jarring Nelson from Simpsons like "HA HA!!" And turn around to see my daughter there watching me with a huge smile cracking up. She says..."you have a cruuush on your coooofffeee! Ooooh oooh" and scurried away absolutely delighted with herself.

You're right kid, I do have a crush on my coffee. I do.


One of my preschoolers came up to me one morning, and she said “I have to whisper something in your ear.” You can only imagine what I was thinking, but I got down and leaned in. She whispered, “I love you” and then shyly smiled. It was the cutest thing to happen to me as a teacher so far.


Since my 4 year old can’t count past 10, I told him to count to ten TWICE while we played hide and seek...
So he goes, “one one, two two, three three...”


6yo: So there’s the Bible, and there’s god, but who’s the other guy? Me: Jesus? 6yo: no... Me: the devil? 6yo: yeah! Does he have a book?


“Because you made me, mom.”
My (28F) six year old daughter and I are playing Animal Crossing on this lazy Sunday afternoon. Watching her interact with the characters and developing her own dialogue is adorable to me. So as I’m watching her, I ask her “Baby, why are you so cute?” And she says “because you made me, mom!” It was one of the best things to hear aside from her unprompted “I love you’s.”

Her and I have been through a lot together in the last couple years. I’ve tried to shield her from the misfortunes and the struggles. And I always struggle with whether or not I’m doing a good enough job as a mother. But hearing her say that made me smile greater than I have in a while. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We need our kids just as much as they need us.


No School
Maryland schools have been cancelled for two weeks (thanks, Covid-19) so I had to explain to my 4yo why she couldn't go to preschool for a while.

Me- "People are getting sick and keeping people away from each other will stop the spread. Like when you get sick and sneeze on me, then I get sick."

4yo- "I didn't sneeze on anyone though."

Me- "And the governor wants to keep it that way. So for now no school, you get to stay home while I go to work."

4yo- "What if someone sneezes on you?"

Me- "Mommy works in a little office with a cubicle, I just gotta wash my hands and stay away from everyone else until they decide what the factories are doing."

4yo- "I just want to stay away from people all the time."

Same kid. Same.


Almost 3yo woke up and yelled “I HAVE A RAINBOW PENIS!!”
First words out of his mouth yesterday. If he’s gay and this isn’t how he comes out I’ll be so disappointed


My 5 year old in the beer aisle at the grocery store
“Mom can we just take a moment to appreciate the amazing art on these beer bottles”

So we took a moment.

“I’m going to be a beer bottle artist when I grow up”


For a while my son wouldn't say "no," he just said "yes" with varying degrees of displeasure.
Like, if you asked, "Do you want to go to the park?" and he didn't want to go he might say "Yees" and start crying.


My daughter had something very interesting for dinner at her friends house.
I asked my daughter (4) what she had for dinner at her friends house. I already knew but wanted to talk to her about her time there. She says, “burgers and .. erm.. I don’t know what they are called.” I say, “erm.. chips?” She says, “no we had, when your knickers get stuck in your bum.”

Haha, Bless her, she had Burgers and wedges for dinner at her friends house.

Good out of the box thinking I thought.


How to get ice cream
Friend’s 4YO asking my hubby: Can Mary (my daughter) have an ice cream after rock climbing?

Hubby: sure.

Friend’s 4YO asking his dad: Mary is having an ice cream after climbing. Can I have one too?


Someone else’s kid explained trampolines to me
At the park with my own sprogs and noticed a lad of about four staring at me when I heard his mother begging him not to point at the ‘wheelchair lady’. He disregarded this and after a minute came up to me and asked, ‘You can’t use a trampoline, can you?’

I confirmed I could not. ‘OK,’ says he, ‘I’ll show you what happens,’ and did some star jumps for me.


My Nephew low-key fat shamed my Dad
My nephew (4) absolutely loves his grandfather. He will walk into a room and completely ignore everyone else (even his mom!) if my dad is there. Note: he calls his grandpa “Daddy” bc his actual father is MIA, and since we call him Dad, he just does the same.

Last night, we we’re hanging out in the living room and my nephew says “I’m gonna be just like daddy when I grow up!” Super cute. “I can be a daddy, and have a phone” “And I can go to work” “And I’m gonna have boobs like my dad!” ..... dad says “I don’t have boobs son” Nephew replies “Yes you do! Just like mommy and Nonna!”

Good thing we were at home and not out in public


My 7 year old daughter randomly
"I think it would be easier to date if you were a squid. Because then you could give 8 roses at once."

Pure gold.


Car accident
My husband was in a car accident this evening on his way home from work. He is fine but the car isn't drivable. We went to pick him up. When he got in the car, our 4 yr old immediately starts questioning him about what happened. Basically, cars were stopping and so was my husband, car behind him didn't stop, hitting him and sending him into the car in front of him.

So my husband and I were talking while I was driving us home and I stopped at a red light.

4 yr old: "Dad, this is how you stop."

Both of us started laughing so hard. I'm pregnant and almost peed myself.


The look on her face...priceless.
When my daughter was 4, she made my idiot mother-in-law drop her jaw to the floor on a couple of occasions.

Once when MIL was visiting, my daughter was drawing a picture of a girl.

MIL: That’s a very nice girl you’re drawing. Is that you?

Daughter: No, that’s another girl. She’s going to turn her boyfriend’s heart into a watermelon and he’s going to die.

MIL’s jaw hits the floor and she glares daggers at me, like I’m intentionally corrupting her granddaughter.

Other occasion. MIL is visiting and my daughter is pretend cooking in her kitchen play-set.

MIL: What are you making?

Daughter: Child soup.

MIL: (with a concerned look on her face) You mean soup made for children?

Daughter: No, soup made FROM children.

My daughter then proceeds to drop a plastic baby from her dollhouse into her plastic pot and stir it as MIL looks on in horror.

Good times...


3-year-old: “So mommy, when I get older, I can say all the bad words that you do?”


"Guys, SHHHHH!!! I want to smell something." - 3 year old


Well, I'm not getting married when I'm a grown up.
The anniversary of my first date with my husband is coming up and our four year old overheard the conversation we were having about how many "anniversaries" are too many. (Obviously we celebrate our wedding anniversary, but do people actually celebrate other relationship milestones!?)

4 year old with a deadpan look: "Well, I'm not getting married when I'm a grown up. You don't have to remember so much when you've just got cats."

And that is when my four year old daughter decided to become a crazy old cat lady. Her father and I support her choice.


My son loved Toy Story as a toddler. When people would ask what he wanted for Christmas, he would say “a big Woody”!


My son said a bad word
So my 4 year old son learned the word Bitch from my wife and I. I’m not happy or proud that he did but that’s beside the point.

So one day my wife and I were cooking breakfast and my son walks in and says, “Dad your a bitch!” My wife and I gasp and tell him that’s not ok to say and he looks me dead in my eyes and says “it’s ok, it’s ok, you’re a GOOD bitch” and proceeds to give me a thumbs up


I have an 11 day old baby and 15 year old son
15yo: are you feeling better today?

Me: no, still pretty miserable. I’ll be making dinner tonight though. Time to get back into my routine.

15yo: that’s not a good idea, if you feel miserable.

Me (thinking) aww, he doesn’t want me to over exert myself. Sweet.

15yo: because then dinner won’t be good.

Me: right.


Lectured For Staying Up Late
Right now it is almost 4am and I'm awake because the baby inside me is moving around violently (think I'm going into early labour or at least pre-labour) I've been on bed rest for a month and tonight I went a walkabout the house because my back has been killing me and my lower stomach feels a ton of bricks is sitting inside it.

So I was walking around the house and went down to the kitchen for a drink. I must have been too loud going down the stairs or in the fridge but my five year old came downstairs like a grumpy old man. His eyes were half shut and he was wearing slippers and his jammie bottoms. He looked at me and said.

"Mum. Get to bed. You'll never get up in the morning and I'm not looking after Dad all day."


My daughter has a Covid-19 Plan
We explained that there was a bug in the air making people sick. To my daughter, "beetle" is the same thing as "bug."

"What does the beetle want?"

"It just wants to survive, hun, but if the bug survives people get sick. It doesn't really want to hurt people."

"Maybe next time we can talk nicely to the beetle, make it a bed outside and give it lots of food so it can survive."


Me: I got rejected from art school so I’ll go into political science I guess. Brother: You’re just like Adolf Hitler!


"That's where he lives!"
5 year old daughter was so hyped that we joined the local gym. She was in such a good mood on the way there that I had to ask...

"You're really happy, excited for the kids corner?"

"No. I get to see Mr. B." She was swinging her feet happy about this.

Mr. B is her Gym teacher she only sees him on Mondays for about 20 minutes and most of the time they do pretend games like tag where the kids just run around in front of their computers and he calls out their names and says he tagged them. Not much the poor guy can teach a group of kindergarteners from a computer.

"I don't think Mr. B will be there, he doesn't even live in our town."

"You said we were going to the Gym, that's where he lives."

"No, he teaches gym, he doesn't live at the gym."

Ya'll she was devastated.


The Effects of the pandemic...
My son (8): “Dad, ‘Billy’ kissed a girl today at school.”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Son: “Actually, she kissed him!”

Me: “like on the cheek?”

Son: “No! ON. THE. LIPS.”

Me: “...”

Son: “That is UNSANITARY!!”


As my 4 y/o was peeling the paper off his crayons: “These things should just come naked.”
This could revolutionize the crayon industry as we know it


"You've got to look on the bright side"
I'm pregnant. When tutoring an 8 year old today, he shared some of his wisdom with me:

"Y'know, looking after a baby is actually going to be a lot more hard work than you think."

And.. in talking about covid and me being higher risk now...

"At least you and the baby would die together. You've got to look on the bright side."

Cheers kid.


They’ve started mimicking me
9yo: running around, shouting, has a ton of energy

5yo: hey, 9yo? you’re at a 10 and I need you to be at a 2.

I choked. It’s so funny hearing the things you say come out of your kids’ mouths.


My sweet-to-the-core 12 year-old daughter after dropping a heavy bottle on her toe:

I love that kid.


My toddler smelled my wine last night and said "oooooohhh this smells like gigi"
GiGi doesn't drink a lot, but usually has one glass of wine that lasts her all night. GiGi was not happy when I told her this story


I love the way kids don’t understand how things work
My daughter: “where’d fork go?”

My wife: “I don’t know.”

My daughter: “I find it”

My daughter: yells “FORK WHERE ARE YOU?”


Because it's pandemic!
My 3 year old uses "because it's pandemic" as an excuse for things he doesn't want to do.

Me: Let's go outside for a walk.

3 yo: No, I don't want to go outside. It's pandemic.

Me: Will you share the dessert with me?

3 yo: No, it's pandemic. We don't share.

Me: Please share your toys.

3 yo: No, I don't want to share. It's pandemic.

So sad that 3 yo has to learn the word "pandemic" so early in life. :(


3yo: “Mommy, I’m tired. You know how tired I am?” Me: “How tired?” 3yo:”5 dollars!”


My 4yo said "I'm lost inside."
And boy did I feel that. I told her welcome to the club. Then I saw the wasp inside. So yeah, there is a wasp inside.


That time my toddler told her teacher "fuck no"
I picked her up from school. the teacher was NOT happy. Apparently my daughter didnt nap. When the teacher told her to lay down, she said "fuck no".

I had no words.

At least she used it in the right context


When the neighbor kid asked my 10 year old son why he was cleaning the kitchen he replied matter of factly, "Because it's dirty."
I can't quite articulate why his response made me so happy. His tone of voice was like, "Duh, can't you see?" Lol.

Context was we just finished dinner and the entire family was cleaning up. My son's friend came over and asked if he could play. My son said, "Yeah, when we're done cleaning the kitchen."

That's when his friend asked why he was cleaning it in the first place.


My daughter when she was around 3
We were at a public pool, we had just showered and I was drying her off in the locker room. Me: "are you all dry?" 3: "I'm as dry as a little fish" Me: "ahh, but fish normally aren't dry, they live under water you know" 3: "then I'm as dry as a little dead fish!"

Everybody in the locker room burst out laughing


I called my 3.5yo a silly goose…
… and she said “no, Mommy, YOU are a silly goose. I’m a silly GOSLING.”

We’ve been working on baby animal names. I’m so pleased.


DH: We got teacher gifts, and your mother's day present. 3YO: Mommy, it's a watch! DH: It's supposed to be a surprise! 3YO: Mommy, it's a SURPRISE watch!


My 3 year old pulled the song book out at church and opened it. After looking at for a few seconds he proclaimed, "I can't read!" Then he put the book back.


Doing homework with my 6 year old
Hope this will make you all laugh just as much as me.

Teaching my 6 year old to write and spell short words:

"Tim you have to make bigger spaces between your words. They're all too close together."

"Oh yes, because of coronavirus."

I nearly fell off my chair.


My lovely niece (7F), upon seeing that big Damien Hirst sculpture of the naked pregnant lady:
L: Wow! Look, she’s got a baby in her tummy!

Me: Yeah she does! You can see all the different bits of her insides, look! Can you see the muscles and the skeleton?

L: She’s got really big boobs

Me: ... yes, I suppose she does

L: Does she have milk in them?

Me: Probably, like when your mummy fed you G and E when you were babies.

L: Do YOU have milk in your boobs?

Me: No, you only get milk in your boobs when you have a baby, because your body knows you need it, and when your baby doesn’t breastfeed anymore it goes away

L: intensely processing this information

L: ......... I’d like to be pregnant. That way I would always have milk to put on my cereal if I was out of the house for a little snack.


Apparently I don't understand the dynamics of Paw Patrol
My son (almost 4) was playing with his myriad of fire trucks and Paw Patrol characters this morning:

Son, playing two Marshall action figures: I'm fired up! No, I'm fired up! No, you can't be fired up because I'm already fired up! Get off my fire truck, Marshall! No, I'm the real Marshall, go away!

Me, thinking I'm funny, and grabbing a Sky action figure: Hey guys, can I be fired up, too?

Son: Daddy, Sky can't get fired up because she takes to the skies. You can't play with me 'cause you don't know how to do it right.

Me: I was just pretending.

Son: You pretend bad.


At a restaurant, when my son was about 8, he came back from using the restroom and I asked, “Did you wash your hands?” He said, “No. It says only employees have to.”


My toddler hands me a big Idaho potato he pulled off the countertop.
Toddler (testing his vocabulary): Tomato?

Me: Close. This is a PUH-tato. Puh.

Toddler: PUH. . . tomato.

He'll get there eventually.


4yo: “Mom, look at my muscles!!” Me: “Wow, you are SO strong!” 4yo: “Yeah, see, I can lift really heavy things” *proceeds to attempt to lift my leg*


2 year old notices skin color difference with stranger
About 2 years ago, my 2 year old and I were at Target doing self check out and he was staring at a tall large buff black man at the check-out behind us as he was finishing paying for his items. Despite my request to help me with scanning our items, my son walks over to him and while standing on his tip toes he looked at the tops of his hands and then squatting to see the bottom of his hands as though he was examining a small animal in a glass cage. My son than points to his hands and says “Mama! Look!”. I give the gentleman a look of apology and a half smile as the situation is a bit awkward. I walked over to my son and I said, something like “yeah honey, are you looking at this hands?” He says “Yes! Look at this” he grabs one of the mans hands and turns it over. I redirect him to always ask permission before touching someone and I say “yeah, his hands look a little different than ours huh?” He said “yes! Mama you see it?” I apologize and just state that my son is a curious critter. The man than gives me a very kind smile and says “Wanna see a magic trick little man?” with a giant smile, my son replies with an enthusiastic head nod with wide eyes. The gentleman bends over than puts both his hands out flat in the air in front of my son and then flips them over at the same time and says “WAHH BAM!”. My son giggles, the man laughs, I smile. My son requests he does it again and he obliged 2 more times. The gentleman gives my son a high five with both the front and the backs of his hands. I smile thank him for his time. He says “don’t even worry about” looks at my son “I hope you both have a good day, you listen to your mama little man, alright?”. The man leaves the store, my son starts crying and throws himself on the ground as he wants him to “come back and play more”.

This interaction lasted maybe 2 minutes and instead of shaming my son for his curiosity, myself and a stranger embraced it and made it fun. We are caucasian and live in an area that is not very diverse unfortunetly.

I reflect on current state of our country and I hope maybe this story would bring a smile to others peoples faces. I wish more people instead of ignoring our differences embraced them and took a minute to validate it without judgement.


My 7 yo was sick overnight and had bunked out on the couch in the living room in order to make his trips to the bathroom shorter. This morning, as I’m making coffee, he suddenly cries out “oh no, Mom, I think I pooped myself!” and runs to the bathroom.

We get everything cleaned up and I can tell he’s a little embarrassed, so I ask him to just explain what happened. He tells me that his stomach hurt and he thought he had to fart, but “more came out.” In a coffee-less daze I blurt out “oh, you sharted, it’s ok!” I can see that he’s confused so I explain how it’s just the conjunction of **it and fart, but that he shouldn’t say it, because of the “sh word.”

7yo whispers: “shit?”

Me: “heh, yeah, it’s a bad word.”

7 yo: (giggling) “hey mom, shit!”

Me: “what the—“

7 yo: .......”fuck!”

Me: lol “what? No!”

7 yo: “What the hell!......ass! Shit! I’m gonna SHART!” (At this point we’re both giggling really hard trying not to wake the rest of the house up) “Don’t worry, mom, I know they’re bad words so I won’t say them.....but that was fun, huh?”


4yo: “Mommy, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d be a girl with no weewers.” Me: “Yes, that’s very true. Do you want to be a girl?” 4yo *thinks*: “No.....I want to be a dad. With a big weewers!”


Trying to get my twin girls to clean their room
Daughter 1 is quite a slob and doesn't usually want to clean. Daughter 2 is a bit of a neat freak and usually gets mad that her sister won't help clean their room. So the other day I told them to clean their room and braced for the coming argument but instead I heard what I thought at first was the wisest thing Daughter 1 has ever said.

D1: Come help clean the room, you made the mess too!

D2: I cleaned up all my stuff, that's all your stuff now. You can clean up your own stuff.

D1: But alone we can do so little, and together we can do so much!

Me thinking to myself...Hey, that's a pretty mature thing for her to say...

D2: Ug... you can't keep quoting Helen Keller everytime you want someone to do something for you!

Apparently they've been learning about her in school and one daughter has been missing the point of the lesson.


My 4 year old and I need to work on our relationship
After a long morning of going back and forth with my son I finally broke down and told him that I’m tired of arguing with him about every single thing we have to do all day.

A couple minutes later he pipes up with “do you think we have too much heated discussions?”

He then proceeded to ask how we are going to fix it!


You can still call me Baby when I'm an adult
I've always called my 4 year old twins babe, baby and babies. Like hollering for dinner, "I need all my babies to come here." I used the term of endearment on a video call with my mom and she called me out on it. "They're not really babies anymore, are they?"

My daughter now doesn't like to be called baby but my son, on the other hand, he says, "Mom, when I'm an adult, you can still call me baby."

You just won major points, kid.


Five year old got me today.
The shirt I wore today proved unpopular at the breakfast table.

My 5 year old son: “you look like a hobo!”

Me, trying not to laugh: “that’s not a very nice thing to say..”

Him: “why not?”

Me: “Well. Hobos don’t typically dress very well.”

5 year old: “Well, that’s not a very nice thing to say.”

You’ve gotten too smart for me my bo


Fortnite and Dad have corrupted my 7 year old...
My 7 year old son has become obsessed with Fortnite and it sometimes causes him to act/react or say things he knows he shouldn't. Like the other day, I was watching him play and he says to me, "You know what I'm gonna do to him Mom?" (Him being his opponent.) "If he kills me I'm gonna shove his balls in a taco and make him eat it."

I almost spit out my coffee and then just about choked trying to keep myself from laughing and swallow at the same time. Clearly, he must get some words from Dad because I know the word "balls" isn't in my daily vocabulary. Either way, that eneded Fortnite for the day and I asked Dad to teach and use a more appropriate word for his balls.


Today my 4.5 year old was playing with sidewalk chalk. Drew an x. Said, “now we can dig for treasure and daddy won’t have to go to work”


During prayer tonight...
My four year old son decided to pray tonight. My wife is pregnant, and so his prayer went... “thank you for the baby in mommy’s tummy, and thank you that there’s no baby in daddy’s tummy. Amen!”


Self regulation
Riding in the car in silence. Son starts to giggle and then says "That is probably a REALLY bad idea." Silence.


Today my 3 year old son came to me hysterically crying after seeing his older sister in the shower and told me “Sissy has an inside out penis and she’s gonna die.”
Not sure how I should explain that’s not what that is...


[Genuinely] My Daughter(6yrs) holding a grape Jolly Rancher... "Dad! What flavor is grape?" *Thinks she misspoke, pauses to put her thoughts together. "no, I meant, what color is purple?" *She gets more frustrated at herself, grunts and stamps her foot... And then it dawned on her.
She spent a good 8 minutes laughing in the fetal position, with her face nearly as grape as that Jolly Rancher.


*4yo is moving his belly around with his hands while taking a bath* Me: “What are you doing?” 4yo: “Making my belly shake like a bowl full of jelly....just like Santa’s, and yours!!”


Finally listens to mama!
Walking around the store and 2yo picks up everything. “I can have these cookies please mummy?” “No baby we have those already at home” “I have this cereal?” “No baby we have some at home” Repeat times 100. See this really cute yoga mat on sale. Pick it up “isn’t this pretty baby?” 2yo looks me straight in the eyes, pushing down my hand “no mama. You have one at home”


You know how when they’re learning how to use a big kid cup, and you only fill it up halfway to sort of test the waters?
Yeah, no, he was not having that. My son was somewhere around 2 when I started teaching him how to use a cup with no lid. I would only fill the cup halfway, in case he didn’t have a good hold on it and dropped the cup, and so it wasn’t top heavy, you know the drill. He used to get MAD at me for not filling it up all the way to the top. “No mom, all the tops!”

It was cute, so it stuck, and whenever I wouldn’t fill drinks up enough he would demand that I fill them “all the tops.” But all the tops only ever came up when we were talking about drinks, maybe every few weeks if I had to guess. We never mentioned it for anything else. Only drinks.

Fast forward to 2 years later when he was 4, I was getting ready for work and I was about to leave. Same as every other day, I tell him I love him, he says it back. But I was feeling feisty that day and stared him down, raised an eyebrow and said, “but I love you more!”

And you guys, his face. He was SO OFFENDED. At first he looked mad, and snapped back and said that I can’t love him more cuz he loves ME more. And I said oh, yeah? Prove it. How much do you love me then?

So he looks me in the eye and says

“Mom, I love you all the tops.”

So now that’s our thing. Every day for the last year and a half. Before work, before school, before bed.

I love you mom!

I love you too, kiddo.

All the tops?

All the tops.


Overheard at lunch yesterday. Mom asks 5 year old if she'd like some of her lobster. Child's answer, "Mom, I was born to eat lobster'


I asked 5yo what we were gonna do if the election doesn’t turn out the way we want.

His response: “poop our pants”

Fair enough


“Daddy, why is blood red?”
A conversation with my eight year old daughter before bed

Daughter: "Hey Daddy, why is blood red?"

Me: "Well it's only red when it's exposed to oxygen. It's actually more of a bluish-purple color."

Daughter: "Oh! So does that mean if you're on the moon and you cut yourself it doesn't turn red? Because there is no oxygen on the moon or in space?"

Me: "Thats a good point kid. I've actually never thought of that but you're probably right."


Me: “4yo, I do not want you jumping from that high up the ladder. You are going to get hurt.” 4yo: “Well....why don’t I just try it and we SEE if I get hurt?”


My 5 year old made me a necklace and I slept in it to show her how much I love it. She told me, "Momma, you can't sleep in that necklace. It's going to cut off your INSULATION!"


“What are you looking at, fat baby?” -3yo to 7mo
I guess I really do need to start watching what I say (he is so cute and fat though)


While potty training
Him: I just turned my milk into pee.

Me: You sure did.

Him: I wish it would go into my feet and turn into a rocket and I could go to outer space.

Word, dude.


It's sparkly!
My 4 year old suddenly cried a few tears for a moment.

"It's sparkly!" He then cried out grabbing at his foot.

Poor guy's foot went to sleep.


Not my kid, but overheard on her kindergarten Zoom meeting.
Teacher: Ok kids we’re almost done. Does anyone have any questions?

Kindergartener: I have mulch in my body.



Teacher: Maybe you should go tell your mom.


Husband to 7 yr old - "You're acting like a lunatic!"
Her fantastically quick witted reply (although she didn't realize what she was saying I swear I'm an ok Mom!) - "Oh yeah?! You're acting like a lunaDICK!"


My daughter was accidentally racist
Short and sweet. We taught my 5yr old how to play Yahtzee. She rolls all 5’s and screams “MOMMY LOOK! I ROLLED ALL 5’s I’M A NAZI!!”.. She never looked so proud.

I also have never corrected something so quickly before!


Oh god, I hope that’s not what he’s been using it for...
My 15mo occasionally has difficulty going to the bathroom, nothing serious, he’s just a big kid who poops like a mastodon and human-sized diapers don’t have a lot of room.

Anyway, his older brother (3.5yo) apparently saw him having some issues, and I hear him say “I’m here to help! Let’s get that poop out!”.

I look over and the oldest is standing over his younger brother, wearing his camouflage shirt, an orange Black and Decker hard-hat, and holding our manual citrus press in his hands.

For those who aren’t familiar with them, a citrus press is this handheld, hinged tool/press that lets you squeeze the juice out of lemons, limes, pretty much whatever else you can fit in it.

So, the little one (understandably) takes off down the hallway, as his older brother chases him yelling “Don’t go, I’m gonna help, we’re gonna squeeze it out fast!”, and trying to fit the press over the younger ones booty.

After a second to process, I give chase and say yet another in the long line of sentences I never thought I’d say, “Get away from your brothers butt and go put my juicer back right now!”.


At least it’s never dull...
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